on sabbatical

As I begin to write this post I am furiously typing phrases into my notes app as I walk west on East Capitol. It’s a cloudy day but I am happy, things I used to consider mutually exclusive. I am a half mile into my nearly two mile walk, past the Capitol to the river. It’s in one of the high-rise complexes here that I will walk Dakotah, a lovely black rescue lab, for thirty minutes through the city. For the past three weeks, I have been hustling. I have rented six apartments, I work weekends at a lovely flower shop and at a cocktail bar. I dog walk, hit the gym, and interview throughout the week. A month ago this entrepreneurial era was not part of the plan. A month ago I quit my full-time job working for the government in anticipation of beginning a new career and a new life in a new state by the beginning of February. Some parts of my plan are still applicable, I move to Michigan in 3 days, just not to the city I thought. I’ve spent the last week packing up my studio apartment, smiling at all of my street thrifts that will now move through life with me. I laugh as my cat jumps in and out of boxes, exploring his new playground. The early morning zoomies have gotten much louder thanks to the bubble wrap. My dainty glasses and photographs are all wrapped up, My walls are bare. I have spent days fingering toothpaste into the holes in the walls and the ceiling.

I am closing a chapter of my life.

Four weeks ago, a 10 month break-up was brutally finalized. The next day I woke up to an email from my future boss saying the job I had was not going to exist any longer. Iconic moment. I did not lose myself in the uncertainty. I was excited, sure that there were better things out there, things that were truly meant for me. I had a whole little ego death but acknowledged this phase as a part of my plan and that I still had some serious lessons to learn.

I think God wants to teach me patience, lack of control, how to communicate with others. I think he wants me to invest in myself as an individual, and I think he wants me to learn the only way to live a life free of anxiety is to truly trust in his plan for me.

The last month has been full of self-reflection. I began this blog as an outlet, based on an idea I got in November. When I quit my job in anticipation of the next I decided I wanted to focus on my writing and myself. Realistically, I have still been accomplishing a lot of my goals, I am on sabbatical from society. I am one month sober, down 15 pounds from December, and haven’t been silenced by seasonal depression for the first winter of my life. I really am thriving, unemployed, uninsured, and unassociated. I have no idea what my life might look like in two weeks. That excites me. I don’t care because I know I am capable of building from the bottom up at last.

It was while walking up another street last week, the diagonal North Carolina towards my home on 11th, that I realized I was back in my body. I was deep in thought about all of the things in my life that I have been through, thinking that surely these are all things God wants me to experience in order to be strong enough for my future. I believe again that I am meant for bigger things. It’s been over two years since I held that growth mindset in an honest manner. For years my confidence was shattered, I felt unworthy of the future, certain it would be just as shit as the rest of it. I was faking everything, imposter system to the max. I am truly so proud of myself for being happy and free in this moment. It took 894 days to recover, but when I had that thought, I realized I was back & better. I was taking this uncertain moment in my life and investing in the unknown.

Perhaps I will never work a 9-5 again. I have faith in myself that I will always be able to make things work, that I will be able to find joy in the side hustles I have. That being said, the reason I decided to leave DC is because I seek stability. I am finally brave enough to return to the battlefield from which I ran. DC has never been where I wanted to build a home but I truly believe I needed to be in this city for the year I have been in order to learn the lessons and build myself back up to who I truly am. I am deeply indebted to these streets, these markets and street libraries.

Once I graduated college, it felt like my PTSD symptoms disappeared overnight. If I saw a blonde boy on the street I didn’t flinch, I no longer felt paralyzed when alone in a room with a man. These experiences are why I felt I had to leave Michigan, I was truly certain I would never feel safe there again. After I graduated I didn’t go back to Michigan for a few months. When I finally returned again, I walked around my college town without fear. I stood in the bar, on the football field and didn’t feel like I was going to implode. I was okay again. I went back on a mission to heal my relationship with Michigan and I believe I accomplished that. Three days after I landed back in DC, I learned my job with the government was going to be eradicated by the end of the year, rather than in four. It felt like God had handed me the key to the future I had always yearned for.

I applied to jobs in Colorado, North Carolina, Texas, even Tennessee. Both this time, and the last. The only responses from companies I would truly want to work for are in Michigan. I have prayed so damn hard about all of this because Michigan always felt like the end of the journey for me, not the beginning. But alas, in all of my reflection I have accepted perhaps it is the best start for me. There is a job I really want, but it’s far too close to my college town. On an interview with the CEO, the first question he asked was if I knew any soccer players from my college. The interview went really well, we laughed a lot, he said he wanted to continue our conversation in person. As soon as I ended the call I started to sob. I had the first full-blown panic attack in close to a year, all because it was a blonde soccer player at my college that had destroyed me. The reason I had never applied to a job in that city before was due to my fear of this exact scenario. It was the afternoon but I allowed myself to lay in bed until the next morning. I prayed a lot. I think maybe I was meant to experience that panic, to face my fears. The next day I was pretty anxious, terrified that he would find out what had happened. I continued to pray, telling God I was truly trusting his plan and that if he did not want me to move to Michigan, I wouldn’t. The next morning, I woke up to an email scheduling a two hour in-person meeting with the senior staff.

I booked my UHaul that day.

I still don’t know if I will end up with this job, nor do I know anything about my life in the next two weeks. What I do know is that I am moving back to Michigan and that I have finally overcome my fears. I am free at last.

A year ago me would look at the situation I am in now and see a failure. But a year ago me was functioning off of ego, I wasn’t happy or fulfilled. I am certain now that I can be happy wherever I am. I am certain that being out of control is beautifully complicated.

Jan 27, 2023