could who you are today compete w who you were a year ago?

a frequently used saying at my work is, “Could Who You Are Today Compete With Who You Were A Year Ago.” This quote really resonates with me as it outlines a certain empathy for the storm of life. It also resonates because for the first time in a few years, I am far outperforming who I was a year ago.

I remember, vividly, the first time I stood up for myself. I was 8 years old, it smelt of spring and the grass was green. I stood barefoot as my Dad yelled at me for being careless and lazy. I remember feeling as though for once, his hurtful words were unjustified. I remember him saying, “When I was your age, I never did anything wrong.” Funnily enough, I was able to reference the Bible back and told him there was no way that was possible, everyone makes mistakes. I remember he was shocked. These moments are all so crystal clear to me because my Dad didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. He actually apologized to me later that evening. For the rest of my childhood, it would be a turbulent cycle of my Dad acting unjustly and my own actions to rectify. No more apologies would follow.

I have never been afraid to stand up for myself or for others. I have been afraid of failure.

“to suffering there is a limit, to fear there is none”

I think overcoming that fear of failure that is the greatest progress I have made in my young adult life. I am confident in my ability to cultivate the life I want to live. Even if I were to lose it all.

life by design vs default

I used to live my life by default. I feared greatly, struggled internally deeply. Now I understand that a person must be active in designing the life they want to live. I choose how I feel each day by allowing myself the space to exist and the tools to be healthy. I think God wants to teach me patience, lack of control, how to communicate with others. I think he wants me to invest in myself as an individual, and I think he wants me to learn the only way to live a life free of anxiety is to truly trust in his plan for me.

My birthday this past year was the last day I drank. At my dingy little hometown bar I ran into a lot of friends from a past life. A girl I hadn’t spoken to in years told me she was excited for what I would accomplish, that I had always had a voice for others. This comment has stuck with me. It means so much that she sees me as someone who can make changes that would help other human beings. That is truly all I want to accomplish, I want to help people find their voices.