moutains&meditation

if I could use one word to describe my life right now, it would be blessed. I feel at peace, I feel safe, I feel certain. I am where I am meant to be. this moment of my life, these feelings, these are things I have been in search of since I was too young to understand life was my own.

six months ago I realized much of my pain was my fault. I experienced something that led me to lose faith in systems of religion and justice. I lost faith in my own self. those losses were my fault.

I was not strong enough to maintain my faith. perhaps I never really possessed it.

I realized it was up to me to heal my negative perceptions and emotions.

three months ago I started to truly understand discipline.

aristotle says, “we are what we repeatedly do. excellence then, is not a habit, but an act”

I examined every bad habit I had and decided to replace them with a good one.

I replaced drinking with writing. eating sugary foods with food that fuels. I meditate and walk and swim rather than over consume financially.

I stopped seeking love. I started seeking the person I need to become in order to meet who I will marry. I started developing the character traits I want to have as a mother for my future children. I started to work towards who I want to be for my future family.

my face looks different. my body is different. my thoughts are lighter. my heart feels fuller. the way I interact with others is different, my reactions to pain are different. I feel present.

it has been a decade since I let my soul exist in a state of clarity such as this. in three months I feel as though I have grown into a draft version of the woman I will be. I am intentional about my excellence.

I experienced a fall from grace. I recently had a conversation with my boss about being in the right season of life to get a hard call. I was strong when I experienced what I did, I was the happiest and best version of myself I had ever been. perhaps that is why the fall felt so far, so hard. it took me years to realize I was the one removing grace from the equation, to realize I was the reason I no longer had faith.

I have no idea where I am going but I am on my way. sometimes I still struggle in the rut of regret. I still feel the pain of the past. I know I must let these go.

I still have work to do. there are still habits I can remove, practices to add to my life.

I am working on killing my ego and maintaining this level of discipline.

I have spent months meditating on how I have climbed my own mountains. my purpose is to serve others and I believe I am finally in a place where the self-care I have practiced is enough to benefit the world around me.