a carton of superman ice cream. {republished}

I was eating scoops of Superman ice cream

straight from the carton as my chicken cooked on the stove

I had just done 10 sets of sprints at 10.5 MPH

something I’ve never been able to do before

I consciously watched as the ice cream disassappeared

the primary colors that tasted so damn sweet

my roommate was home so I couldn’t go to the bathroom

so I took the empty carton down the basement stairs

& made sure I used my three tries well

soon a purple soup of shame was staring back at me

———

this is one of the last battles I have to fight. bullemia and boys….

a few weeks ago I finally hit that number - 135. the first time in over six years. in high school I have a vivid memory of myself staring at my body in the mirror, thinking…this is it. 135 is as high as I should be.

I have such a strange relationship w my weight. my dad has told me I’m fat before. to my 17 year-old face. he’s told me he won’t pay for my life insurance until I look better, because I’m a health risk. every time we call on the phone, he asks if I’ve been working out.

the last time I saw him, I stepped out of the car & the first thing out of his mouth was “oh! you really have lost some weight”

finally. you finally look good enough to be seen near me.

I haven’t been binging the past few weeks but I have noticed that I have gained weight. I’m gaining a lot of muscle so I didn’t really mind. But something came over me in that kitchen, I was terrified to lose progress, to gain weight after I had worked so hard.

to be clear, my current fitness goals aren’t to lose weight. I want to be the strongest I have ever been, both mentally and physically. I want to push my body, to be disciplined. to me it’s truly not about the weight, but the strength. I want ripped arms and legs that can run miles on the beach. I’ve never had those before.

this was hard to write, to share. but that’s what I’m using this blog for. a place to hold myself accountable to my actions, to be vulnerable and know that anyone could find this and judge me.

I am who I am!

Oct 5 2023