august
August
It’s 1:26 AM on a Sunday night and I am peering blindly into the darkness
I am watching my black cat inch his way towards me and my heart is hoping he wants to snuggle up to me
He’s my little baby
Earlier that day as I was walking I looked down at my phone and the date and I paused
Thought about three years ago I was about to choose
Four years ago I was fighting and breaking aand losing
I want you to know that I think about you
Both of you
All of you
Of us
-
I’m really good at being alone
I go on 16 mile walks, to the beach by myself, I walk across the sand in front of families and friends and couples
I am brave
I go to Saugatuck and to my favorite spots and I eat a perch sandwhich
Alone
I walk through the grocery store
Alone
I camp in cars in different states in 16-degree weather
I climb 11,000 feet to the top of a mountain
I shower at truck stops
I drink a cider overlooking a city I once dreamed of living in
Alone
Three years ago I made that choice
To be alone
Three years ago my heart would race in a grocery store, in a drive thru, as I walked on the sidewalk through my little town
I was incapable of being alone, of being seen
But now I am brave
& sometimes I tire of being alone
-
I daydream about running into you, about who you are now, about what we could have been
I’ve been trying solve the riddle
What God is trying to teach me
What lesson am I supposed to be learning?
I often feel regret about that choice I made
That I chose healing myself over my family
How selfish
I feel regret but I don’t feel the need to repent
I feel grief but I do not feel sorrow
I still feel that I made the right choice
I wonder if you feel the same
-
I am happy and I am strong and I am growing
But I still don’t feel that I am in the right place
I wonder if I ever will? If anyone does?
I know there are still things I need to learn
I feel so young
I feel like a child
But I also feel as though this is the year I have become a woman
I am most proud of myself for how brave I have become
For the compliments I have whispered to strangers
To the smiles I share with others
I once wrote about a flower girl
About how I wanted to be like one of the sweet girls I have always been jealous of
The seeds have been planted
I am watering them, praying that they grow
But I think I’ll be perfectly happy to bloom into a wildflower
To be like the wild bergamot which used to bloom at my childhood home
Seen and admired but never known
August 26, 2024
