January 26, 2025

Yesterday, I was walking through the gym when I did a double-take

Was that him? We made eye contact and my heart began to race.

I went to a corner of the gym and googled his name

it was him. my rapist was here, at my gym, playing fucking basketball

my legs were shaking.

It had been years

Years of this moment being one of my greatest fears

I decided not to leave.

I saw him staring at me at one point

I stared right back, stared him down as I climbed above them on the stair climber

pretending I was climbing a mountain…as I will one day

Exposure therapy

It was such a shock to the system

I had been so happy as I walked to the gym that day

the goddamn YMCA

I’ve been off of social media

Trying to soak up my final six months in the Midwest

The countdown on my phone reads 125 days

I have been wanting to be as present and give the most care to my final memories here

To heal all wounds, to be certain that this is not the place for me

I think that maybe yesterday was the sense of justice I always wanted to feel

I would never get justice, and that destroyed me for years

But now my justice is my healing

I took my power back yesterday

I felt it in my legs, in my throat

In my chest as I did not turn my head while I walked past him

-

I started crying on my way to work this morning

I decided to keep driving

Straight to the beach and that Big Red Lighthouse

I cried as I crossed the beach, sand swirling over the frozen waves

My tears halted halfway down my face

Temperatures of 10 degrees prevented them from sliding off my cheeks

I walked to the Lighthouse, as I have done every year since I was born

The lake was frozen as far as my eyes could see

I sat on the edge of the channel

Thank you God, for the challenge of yesterday

I needed to be reminded of my strength

Of all the things I have yet to accomplish

I needed to be sure that this is not the place for me

& so I gave Big Red a Big Hug and walked away

My justice is my healing