To Be Known Is To Be Loved [or so I thought]

Several weekends ago I was staring up at my ceiling. It was 3:00am. On my ceiling is a carved piece of wood, with the quote, “just when she thought her life was over, she began to fly.” I remember thinking, it’s been awhile since I felt my life was over.

At that exact moment in time, there was something coming to an end. Nearly 3000 miles away across the country, my boyfriend was sleeping with his coworker. The irony of this is that my father slept with his coworker and it shattered my entire life. When he told me what happened I felt nothing. To this point in time, I feel nothing. I’m a bit sad, but I’m not angry. How could I be angry at someone for being blackout drunk. How could I hurl anger at someone who clearly hurt themselves more than they hurt me. It didn’t seem fair to shame someone. All I learned was this person who I thought knew me, never really did. Long distance is hard and lonely. It’s more of a long-term bet, if anything. To not know what the day-to-day would be like, to believe it would be what you are looking for.

The truth is, I’m just a dreamer.

I know I don’t deserve to be cheated on. I know I can find someone who would never even be drunk enough to do such a thing.

I can’t quite work out why I’m so okay with all of this. I’m not sure if I’ve just convinced myself he was real, or if I’ve been in denial for some time.

I’ve always wanted to be known, to be loved. To be fought for.

I had told him everything about me. I think for a time I’ve believed that knowing everything about someone is equivalent to loving them.

It seems that once someone knows everything, I am no longer loved.

Perhaps that is true or perhaps it is projection. But I am not sure that I want to be known any longer.

I would prefer to be a mystery, to share my deepest thoughts and dreams only on this blog. I still hope to help people understand & grow but I no longer think my story needs to be part of that process.

It’s really all gibberish and it’s been too long since I have given myself a chance to think.

It’s both a beautiful and terrifying thought, the notion that you will never know enough, or know everything, or anything at all.

To understand that you possess the teeniest percentage of what there is to know, is humbling.

This is why I’ve come to understand faith. You truly cannot do anything on your own, you could never learn enough or know enough or be enough. Faith, to me, is trusting God, to show you what you need to know to be who he intended you to be.

Discernment & Discipline

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